It's a number game...

I'm getting a new scale today...weighed myself 3x this morning and got 3 different numbers. None of which made me very happy.  I seriously thought once I got rolling on this journey it would become easier, but not so much. I struggle for every pound and every day is a battle with the food I choose to put in my mouth. I have moments where I want to scream how unfair it is that this is so hard for me and most of the time I follow up by eating something I should, but it's so easy to choose something I shouldn't. It's not "big" ticket items. I don't devour a Blizzard anymore...instead I eat a snack size candy bar, or these wonderful little Godiva milk chocolate pearls that cost $3.99 for 20 of them that are smaller than an M&M...so I guess I am making progress. I am making better decisions and I am thankful for that, but the bad decisions are still easier. For someone who spent their life trying to be "good" being bad to myself comes incredibly easy. 

back on track

but it is slow going! With my crappy thyroid it seems like changing my body is taking three times as long as the next person. This is complicated by my ability to get easily distracted. I can find a million reasons to not go to the gym and last week I skipped the weekend. Not good. This week I skipped Friday morning. I could have made it there and didn't. I was measured by the Great High Fiver on Thursday and it seems that I am making progress (he was high fiving me like he had Tourettes!) but I am still frustrated with how slow its going. It seems to me that something should jump start my thyroid, I imagine a tiny set of paddles the use when someone's heart stops buzzing my thyroid, but so far that imagery had not managed to boost anything but my imagination.  I did make it back to the gym today and hammered out 40 minutes on the elliptical, 10 on the bike, and 5 on the stair machine...which is a bitch, btw. But the GHF warned me that we would be hitting the stair machine and I, like the good student I always have been, wanted to study up and be prepared.  I don't know about prepared, but damn if my legs are going to forgive me! Tomorrow I'm going for ten minutes, and will be pleased if I make it for 6!

I just don't get it

So as of today's date I have lost 18 pounds. Thursday I learn about how many inches I have lost. I feel better, I and working out, and I have not given up yet. Today I worked my ass off with the GHF and then afterward I came home and wanted to devour everything in sight. FUUUUCCCCKKK! It drives me crazy. Why on earth would I risk undoing the work of the work out. It's hard work, I push my boundaries and yet I want to eat every carb in the house. I just don't get it....

I need a body double

I have started doing crunches. Seriously, crunches.  I am determined to find a 6 pack in there somewhere. I do these crunches at home, using an exercise ball because I'm to embarrassed to do them in front on anyone else- it's hard to do much of a crunch with a belly like mine. But I do them anyway. 100 of them- for the last 6 days. I dream about getting punched in the stomach repeatedly. Nice dreams of falling in love, or getting a job, etc and suddenly I get punched in the abs.(this would be the reason I am wide awake and typing at 4:17AM) That's how sore these crunches are making me. In addition to being sore, I have a fucked up neck and I think doing the crunches has tweaked a nerve because my equilibrium has been off for the last 3 days. So some day, I will have a 6 pack but I won't be able to show anyone because ever time I turn my neck I get light headed and feel faint...ah the price of beauty? Nah, the ab thing is a pure vanity on my part and I'm not giving up the dream of having the 6 pack, in spite of the fact that I may have to remain horizontal to show anyone.

White...

not such a good idea for gym attire... :/

seriously...you've got to be kidding me

The Great High Fiver informed me today that we are going to start "pumping" up my heart rate more durring my training sessions...seriously... is my beet red face and the ability to wring the sweat out of my shirt not any sign that my heart is pumping at a rate near death to anyone but me?

the power of an adjective

The last time  I spoke to my ex he told me I was "always adorable." This caused me to pause. I seriously don't recall him ever commenting positively or negatively regarding my appearance. We were together for 8 years...but nothing comes to mind. I would remember I am sure of it. For crying out loud, I remember my friend Jim telling me I was beautiful when I was 16 and I have held onto that one for years.

When I think about my appearance it has never been pleasant in my head. I have never used kind words when I look in the mirror and I have always focused on my flaws, which have increased over the years. Yesterday while working out with the GHF I was self-conscious of my misquito bites. I get huge red welts that blister and of course I itch the hell out of them and then I get these really not so appealing scars that linger from summers long since past. I told the GHF it was just another one of my flaws and I laughed. I annouce my flaws, laugh at them, but still don't quite embrace them.

And yet, the fact that my ex told me I was adorable is lingering in my mind. Adorable. Not quite the same as 16 and beautiful from a boy I had the most fantastic crush on, but adorable non the less.  I may have to hang onto this adjective for awhile...

Learning to push....

Yesterday, after I thwarted a job that would take me down the same path I have been on for several years (working 60 hours a week, cleaning up someone else's mess, forgetting to live my life for myself) I went to the gym to literally "work it out."  I have been set on a routine, 45 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the bike or treadmill, twice a week with the Great High Fiver...I was getting frustrated with the stagnancy of what I was doing. So, on Sunday I decided I was going to mix up my routine on my days when I do not work with the GHF.  I continued this yesterday and it's much more of a challenge then I thought it would be. I really have to push beyond my own expectations of what I think I can do.  I pushed through 30 minutes on the elliptical, but upped my intensity. I then attacked the treadmill. I chose to follow what I have been doing with the GHF, but extend the time from 5 minutes to 10. I walk a minute, run a minute. This pushes me to ignore my inner panic of what other people might think when they see me running, even if it is only for a minute at a time.  I just push past what I think I look like and what I think other people see and just do it. (of course, without fail, some super-fit, perfect person will get on the treadmill next to me and run like the wind...fucker...)  I then in all my sweating glory (I officially get the rings of sweat on my shirt now- it's my talisman!) I go to a bike and ride up hill for 10-15 minutes. By the time I am done I feel really alive and accomplished and I proud that I pushed through all the mental crap, because I can do it. I'm also ready to curl up in a fetal position in the shower...but curling up would take a great deal of effort!

I want to push like this in my life as a whole. I took a major step yesterday in walking away from that job. I thought I had to take it. I thought it was my only option. But my gut instinct kicked in and for the first time I can remember, I listened. Not out of fear, but out of self-preservation. Yes, I had to call a friend for reassurance (thank you Nic!!!) But in the end, I pushed back all the reasons to stay and get myself into a mess that would not lift me up, and did what I internally knew was right for me.  It felt selfish and dangerous, it felt reckless and irresponsible, but I pushed through it, and much like the end of session at the gym, I felt alive and proud and like I did good.  It makes me wonder where else I can push myself. Makes me want to redo my resume and list my personal attributes and not just my work experience. Wouldn't that be something? To submit a resume like that?

Shelly Cross

Mission Statement: Seeking self-discovery in an environment that supports personal growth and gentle pushes in the right direction.
Qualifications:
-  loving
- cute as a button (quoting Grandma Cross here)
- well traveled
- good friend
- kind to others
- smart as a whip
- explorer of new things


You get the idea...

I forgive myself....

Today is a new day, and I forgive myself. It seems so simple, but for me it is incredibly difficult. I am used to beating myself up for every thing I have done that forgiveness is a foreign concept when it comes to myself. I am the queen of ruminations and will remember every bad thing I have every done to myself and every one else for hours at a time. But today, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for eating the wrong things last week and sabotaging my progress by not listening to my internal voice.  I forgive myself for not pushing my body to new limits, and for not meeting the new ones I had set over the last several weeks. I forgive myself for the negative thoughts and promise to continue to recognize the sound of my own voice and change the message I have on rewind and replay. I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and the adult I currently am.  I promise to be kind to myself. I promise to think with more joy and less hesitation. I promise to do my best, my "better" and exceed my own expectations of the both. Today is a new day, with no mistakes in it and I forgive myself for any I make.

Mind over matter...

I am still house sitting. Still battling not having the gym close by and trying to exercise without the security of the gym's fours walls. Still having a challenge with eating what is good for me. It's weird to have an awareness of these things that I did not have before. In efforts to do the right things, I have even downloaded affirmations onto my phone...things like "I enjoy eating foods that are good for me. I love every cell of my body." but years of negative self-talk make it easy to ignore these things. I am trying to retrain my brain the same way I am retraining my body. My brain seems to be holding a grudge!!

Amazing things I now ponder

So I start my new job on Monday and the main thought running through my brain is how to work in my work outs and training sessions? My, how things have changed! 

Interview this morning...

second interview for a position in DARBOY, USA (yes it does exist people, google it!)  good news, it's a second interview, good news, I have great professional clothes, bad news? My professional clothes are a bit on the big side!!!! I am hoping that the confidence I absorb from my workouts will leak into my interview today!

Uhoh

I think I shrunk my sports bra....

I want

I want to lose weight.
I want to sell my paintings.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be in a healthy relationship.
I want a job that I truly enjoy
I want to make a good living.


there is a start....

I wish I were invisible

If I were invisible I would have taken the time to warm-up and stretch before I tried to jog the fitness path...but I didn't want to risk anyone in the surrounding ten miles witnessing my fat body stretching....

If I were invisible I would have attempted to jog instead running as fast I I could to get into the wooded area of the path so no one would see me. I would have been able to jogged farther without gasping for breath in the humid summer heat...

If I were invisible I would have completed the whole path and all the fitness stations without worrying who might see me and laugh at someone like me attempting to work-out.

If I were invisible I wouldn't have to work so damn hard to change my body so I wouldn't want to be invisible anymore...

Milk Duds aside...

1 Scoop Vanilla Protein Powder
5 Large Strawberries- frozen
1/2 cup skim milk
1 tbsp sweetner

blend the hell out it and slurp it up! I actually love this smoothie and you can use any berries to mix it up.

I should not be left alone...

I am currently surviving on unemployment, living with my parents, and sending out 20 or more resumes per week. I have the bliss of housing sitting for a friend who has been taking care of my Sanford Walter, my pug, while she and her husband are on vacation. Having a house, tv, and my dog to myself is bliss...however, it is hard to hold myself accountable to my habits when there is no one paying attention. For example, Milk Duds are not on my meal plan, however the entire box is in my system swirling around in a buttery, milky, sugary delight. Why is it harder to rely on myself when no one is watching? If I can conquer this week, work out, and not devour everything in sight it should mean something, what I am not exactly sure, but something.

I tried OA once, but you sort of have to have some grounding in a belief in God for that program to work....

Ben & Jerrys...

talking to my ex makes me want to walk to the convience store and buy a carton on Ben & Jerry's and devour it...

Self-sabotage

I am the queen of self-sabotage. I am aware of the fact that I am doing it, but it's like my brain shuts down so I can fuck up.

this journey

So in March I lost my job...let go, canned, fired, ...etc. It was a relief but left me feeling that I lost my identity. I April I ingnored my 40th birthday.  In May I did the most unexpected thing, I joined a gym. Not only did I join a gym, but I signed up for personal training sessions. At the time I wasn't sure what I was doing or that there was a connection between the transformation at the gym and the transformation in my self, but there definately is. So now it's July 1st and I'm several weeks into this journey of transformation. The emotions I am experiences are broad and funny, overwhelming and heart-wrenching and I needed an outlet...so here it is, Despartely Seeking Me...who ever I turn out to be...